A close friend, and a reader of this blog site, sent me the following “Glorious Insults”, and I thought they were too good not to share with the rest of my readers.
In the politically correct, and in my opinion totally ridiculous, world we currently live in, you can hardly crack a joke, say something that “might” have a different meaning, or even speak at all, without offending someone. It’s therefore extremely refreshing to read these glorious insults that use the English language to the full, with all its wonderful nuances.
I come from a culture that relishes the under-statement, and would never dream of complimenting anyone without, at least, having a slight sting in the tail of that compliment: Most comments in English culture, except in rare and deserved circumstances such as the ones below, are self-effacing and aimed at oneself.
I realize, mainly through hard experience, that most people in the world do not understand the English sense of humour, so I offer the following, from my English friend, with the expectation that some readers might be upset if such glorious insults were to be used on them. Let’s just call it a cultural learning experience!
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language was boiled down to 4-letter words:
· A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies, or your mistress.”
· “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
· “He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
· “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
· “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
· “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
· “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
· “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
· “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
· “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second …. if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
· “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
· “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
· “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
· “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
· “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
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· “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
· “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
· “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
· “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
· “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
· “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
· “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
I will add one of my own favourites from Winston Churchill. He was asked to describe Clement Atlee, the opposition Labour Party leader at the time. He said, “Mr. Atlee is a very modest man……with much to be modest about”.
Enjoy, and feel free to use them in all appropriate, and inappropriate, occasions.
